It's Amanda Heller all over again.

Take a look at me now

Don't you hate when you get into bed and it's all cold in there? Also don't you hate those days where it's so hot and you don't want to have the blanket over you, but you like having the blanket over you, so now you've got this quandary. To blanket or to not blanket. Anyways, these days it's cold so that's not an issue. I love the feeling of bed when it's the proper temperature aka when I've been laying there for a while and it's properly body heated. (Not the biggest fan of those electric bed heating thingamabobs)
Another dilemma these days is when you take a shower and the outside of the shower area is damn cold. What do you do in that situation? HOW DOES ONE NOT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT INSTANCE OF COLD? It's kinda similar to when you're all toasty in bed on those cold winter days and you know it's pretty cold outside that warm sanctuary that is known as "under the covers". But the shower scenario has got to be the worse situation because you're wet and naked. (I just shivered right now thinking about that)
I've decided that until I find that elusive job, I will be productive. So each week I plan to: finish a book, learn a new song on the guitar, prepare a meal, save the world, etc. Hopefully this idea lasts longer than one week.

"I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't."
-Charlie; The Perks of Being a Wallflower

ps i want the new macbook

No one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston's

This blog was started almost four years ago. I was but a freshman in college then. So young, so naive. So ready to get out of Binghamton, and move on to greater pastures at Pepperdine or San Diego State or Rutgers. But while I was so busy looking ahead, I thoroughly forgot that there was a little something called school and exams going on at that point in my life, hence here I am four years later, a Binghamton University graduate. I managed to have some good times here and there and met some good people a long the way. Sure I dreaded the place a lot and for the first three and a half years I was ready to get out of there once break hit. Then that final semester came. I came to realize that there were actually some pretty decent people out there that were interesting and fun and what not. Had I invested in deeper relationships with people earlier on, who knows what Binghamton would've brought. College definitely had its rough patches. Very rough patches. And there's definitely regrets. But why dwell on such things? They've become who I am.
Anyways, it's a tad bit upsetting to see how little I've grown up in those four years. I'm still scared out of my mind with change. Still afraid to make big jumps in life, my cowardice holds me back in making those jumps. I'm still somewhat unsure as to what this romantic love is all about, although I've discovered that I tend to be a bit of a hopeless romantic at times. I look back on the past entries here and on xanga and find that God has become a smaller aspect in my everyday life. I find this so disheartening. God, let's catch up. Maybe over some coffee.
This entry is all over the place. I'll leave it at this for now.

gf.

I found myself doodling her name during class today. I won't reveal the name because that only leads to problems. But I realized today that the reason I doodle her name, the reason that I constantly think of her is because I think I like her. But then I realized that this is exactly the same when it comes to my relationship with God. When I'm constantly thinking of him is when I basically "like" him the most. This girl's been on my mind a lot, and I barely even know her. We've only had small talk. But dang my perception of her is that she's nearly perfect. With God, I talk to him sometimes, he knows every single thing about me, and yet it's as if I could care less.
I find that the moments I spend just in her presence, I feel complete and at peace. Sure there's that little thing in me that longs to be much more with her, but it's as if I don't need it yet. Plus I know I'm nowhere near ready either. Another correllation to my relationship with God. When I'm in His presence, I'm most at peace. But I guess a difference would be in that we should always be longing for a closer relationship with God? I guess it comes with just having a relationship to begin with, you want to be more. I guess due to my lack of conversation and overall hanging out with this girl, I don't know that yet.
Dang I've got to stop thinking about her. It's not obsession or infatuation, I don't think, but everytime I see her, she just stands out in the crowd. She is all I can see. I wish I could say the same for God, but dang I need like spiritual Lasik surgery.

More Than a Feeling

I woke up this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
Closed my eyes and I slipped away







I'm a sleeping turtle. Always in my shell.

U + Me = Us

I thought I knew my calculus entering college. But seriously I don't know why it's so hard. It just totally boggles my mind, how can something I have some background on, be so freaking hard? I have no idea, but dang this class is seriously ruining my gpa, my year, and my chances of transferring to anywhere. I guess Bing's starting to grow on me, but still, just I guess the chance to start over out in Cali. That would be real nice. Just to totally be myself, and start anew with school, friendships, life in general. Man I'm totally stressing out now 'cause of calculus. I need peace. Peace in my heart. And what amazes me is how God continually speaks to me. So I get this quote of the day e-mail, and today's just happens to be:

"Christ alone can bring lasting peace - peace with God - peace among men and nations - and peace within our hearts."
-Billy Graham

Constantly I find myself stressing out and always bickering about how much school sucks and stuff, yet I always seem to forget about how blessed I am and how God should be the focal point of my life. This peace that I look for, can be found in Christ. I gotta keep reminding myself that.

The sun's coming up. I've been trying to learn integration and do some research for a poster project for Evolution the whole night. Honestly I didn't perform efficiently in any aspect. I did nothing right. I still don't understand calculus, nor am I close to completing my project. But I can honestly say, I'm feeling less burdened by college. This world has so little to offer me in comparison to what God brings to the table, I just gotta realize that thought now.

Pray for me.

Love is...

The notions of love that are real to me, I don't know what they are. I know God's sacrifice is love. I know my parents show me love. But I can honestly admit that I don't know what that movie, romance love is. However, I can't help but yearn for it. I don't even know what it is that I want, but I do know that there's a void and I guess I just want that companionship and the feeling that comes from just having a girl. I think I've become quite fickle, falling for just any girl that seems to show the slightest bit of interest. I honestly don't know where I'm going with this, but I do know that I'm not ready for a relationship or nothing, but how do I fill this void then? Guess I just need some close friends or something.

Reading Through Galatians

Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.
gal.1.10

I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!
gal.2.21

The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.
gal.5.6b

You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature; rather, serve one another in love.
gal.5.13

Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
gal.6.2-3

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have oppurtinity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.
gal.6.9-10

May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world.
gal.6.14